Falling Slowly
by leave.me.be.let.me.go
Summary: Behind the scenes If/Then. Kind of angsty-ish maybe. Mentions of self-harm. My outlet. **lots of formatting errors for several chapter. Currently in college with a bazillion other to-dos, so it might be a while before I fix it? Also on wattpad under the same title**
1. The Stage

She collapses into the chair, grateful for the moment of solitude. She breathes in deep as she closes her eyes, then opens them again to focus on the picture of her son on her dressing room counter. 'This one's for you, buddy,' she thinks to her son. His light cocoa colored skin would forever be a reminder of what she'd lost. The angry fights, the sleepless nights, the shed of helpless tears. But that was all gone now. Only memories. What was theirs was now hers, and she'd promised herself that no harm would come to her little boy while she was around. A knock on the door pulls her from the depths of her thoughts.  
"Idina? It's almost time to go on." Footsteps grow softer as the voice walks away. Idina stands, hiding the weary exhaustion and loneliness under a mask of confidence. With one last glance at the photo of her son, she shuts the door behind her to travel the steps to a place where she can disappear from herself, be someone else for a while. The stage.


	2. Promise

He hears a weak cough as he approaches the dressing room door of his opposite lead. He pauses when he hears the noise again, then knocks.  
"Come in," Her voice sounds as though she's trying to project its usual strength, though failing miserably. He opens the door.  
"Hey, Idina. We're all going for dinner. Want to join us?" As he asks he notices the hastily shut tube of coverup on the counter, complete with not quite smoothed in streaks under her eyes.  
"Thanks for the offer, James, but I really better get home to Walker." Her eyes dart around the room, landing everywhere but on his.  
"I understand. We'll miss you though," he watches her breathe slightly shallow breaths, as if it hurts to breathe in completely.  
"Thanks," she says in a flat voice. She glances up, coming the closest to meeting his eyes since he opened her door. Her eyes betray her and fall open for a moment, and he sees her unbelief that anyone could actually miss her. "Have fun."  
"Thanks. You too. Get some rest and enjoy your time with Walker." A slight smile crosses her face at the mention of her son.  
"I will." Her breaths have become even shallower and more halted, and she seems anxious to be alone in her room again.  
"Well, see you tomorrow." He excuses himself and she shuts the door behind him. A few steps down the hallway he hears the coughs resound from behind the closed door. She didn't want him to see her sick. Not that she'd admit to being sick though. He had never met a woman more strong willed and determined, taking everything life threw at her and not letting anyone see anything but her very best. Though he knows he's far from knowing what all is going on inside of her, he is sure she's in need of a friend, someone to listen and care. So that he promises himself to be.


	3. Where?

She unlocks the apartment door and lets herself in. Shutting the door behind her, she closes her eyes and leans back against it for a moment. She pushes off from the door as she opens her eyes, striding from the entry way to the living room with the calm confidene she always portrays.  
"Thanks again for staying. See you Tuesday?" She converses with the babysitter, her boy already asleep for the night.  
"I'll be here. Have a nice evening, Ms. Menzel." She walks the babysitter to the door, locking the door after they leave. Alone in the apartment she let's go of all of the masks from the day, weariness apparent in every part of her being. She peeks into her son's room, careful not to wake him. His gentle snores convince her he won't be awoken easily, and she risks stepping in and pressing a light kiss to his forehead. She walks to the door and turns to look at him again.  
"I love you, buddy," she whispers as she shuts his door. She makes the usual return to the entryway, double checking the locks like every night. She thinks about what James said as she wanders around the house, exhausted but not wanting to sleep. 'We'll miss you,' he had said. She wonders if Taye misses her. Of course not, he's glad she's gone, she tells herself. She glances around the kitchen. She knows she should eat something but the inner turmoil refuses to agree. Another meal skipped, oh well. Turning out the lights as she goes, she makes her way to her bedroom. She flips on the lamp before turning out the hallway light. The semidarkness fits her somber, tired mood. Her head spins as she balances on one foot to change into pajama pants. She sets both feet firmly on the ground and leans against the dresser. She glances in the mirror beside her and barely recognizes the woman staring back at her. Where did the vibrant, high on life girl she used to be go? She feels she's aged more in the past year than in the entire decade before it. She finishes changing and sits in bed, wanting to fall asleep but knowing nightmares and restlessness are a given and the deep sleep and rest she needs are nowhere in sight.


	4. Upright

"Why would anyone join the army?" The concern Josh has to portray is genuine as James notes the extra quiver in Idina's voice. They continue the scene and he exits on cue. Normally a joker backstage, James hurries to get into position to reenter and then simply watches her, concern written clear in his features. His cue comes and he walks onto stage. For some reason his genuine concern makes it easier to play the part. Idina rushes to him like every night, and Elizabeth flings her arms around Josh. The height difference always causes him to hold her up to some extent, but tonight, for the briefest moment, his arms are the reason she's still upright at all. A second later she's standing on her own two feet again, and pushing him away. Her shove is weak, and the tears always required for the scene seem to come easier than normal. He exits, clouded with worry for his friend.


	5. Lopsided

As the finale ends and the full cast lines up to take a bow, James finds himself standing next to Idina. Everyone grasps hands for the final few bows of the night. His hand encompasses hers, and he feels the slight tremor. He tightens his grip to counteract and she quickly releases his hand. She smiles a little lopsidedly, as if bringing the other side up to even takes more of an effort than she can give. The audience whoops and hollers, and the cast smiles back at them. One last bow and they file off stage, waving as they go.


	6. Vulnerable

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p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px; color: #555555;" data-p-id="a5b399f8f538d20e04ed61b26ae0ffa8"Through the crack in the door he watches as her thin frames shakes, gasping for air between coughs. His heart breaks to see someone so strong looking so weak and vulnerable. He enters silently, placing one hand on her back for comfort and the other underneath her elbow for support. At his touch she jerks upright. She opens her mouth to tell him off, or say that she's fine, only to be over taken again. /p  
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px; color: #555555;" data-p-id="3be466d0600c7498b498092391ef4d81""Are you okay?" He asks stupidly. Of course she isn't. The coughing slows and she nods, regaining her breath as she slowly straightens./p  
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px; color: #555555;" data-p-id="a73cb6dd043036b7f907844b5b40c972""Yeah, sorry. Must've gotten a bug down my throat or something," she replies hoarsely, shrugging to try and pass it off as nothing. /p  
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px; color: #555555;" data-p-id="6d2d15cb10afe39d0673ce6361b80692""Are you sure?" Concern shows in his face and in his voice, and her face in turn reflects confusion, though directed at the chair in front of her than meeting his gaze./p  
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px; color: #555555;" data-p-id="7e0ccbb074a4334848767eb0a725bcfc""Yeah, I'm fine." She stands ramrod straight again, her chin lifted in determination and defiance, a subtle bite in her voice at herself for letting someone else see. He relaxes as her breathing somewhat normalizes. They stand in awkward silence, him watching her and her refusing to meet his gaze./p  
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px; color: #555555;" data-p-id="872a6bb4651f52b51601a03d4e586eaa""We'll, if you're sure you're okay then, I guess I'll go." His hand trails down her back as he removes it from her shoulder, not believing she's okay and wanting to do all he can to help. He remembers a time when he tried to push everyone away, tried not to need anyone. No one ever needs to suffer that kind of unnecessary pain, and he takes it upon himself to make sure she doesn't. /p  
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px; color: #555555;" data-p-id="d41d8cd98f00b204e9800998ecf8427e" /p 


	7. Enough

he fumes around the house after the babysitter has gone. Anger and self hatred coursing through her. The old high school lies slip back into her mind. Not good enough, not pretty enough, not thin enough. Not strong enough. She let someone see again. Letting other people see always results in pain and heartbreak, she's learned. Even from an early age, she'd discovered you don't have to be 'in love' with someone to get your heart broken; you can simply be best friends. She leans against the wall and closes her eyes as the memories flood over her. Anger, betrayal, sadness so deep she thought she'd never find her way out. But she did. Only to repeat the vicious cycle over a decade later with Taye. She'd finally let someone into her heart again, only to have it shattered into a million pieces like before. She swore she'd never make the same mistake again. 'I can, and will, do this alone,' she tells herself. 'I'm strong enough to do this.' She instinctively tugs at her sleeves. Though the physical scars have long since vanished, the mental and emotional scars might never fade. Never her wrists, always the upper arm. No one would ever suspect there, she had reasoned. It's easier to make up a story for there, and no one would ever have to know. She'd be strong and alone. Independent and self sufficient. Yes, she is those things. She doesn't need anyone. Except her little boy. But he's part of her, her own flesh and blood. He's safe. She sets the alarm and crawls into bed. Lying in her cocoon of blankets, she forces her mind places besides the painful spiral down memory lane. She'd like to get at least some sleep before two shows tomorrow. She thinks of If/Then. She's never played a character so like herself. She thinks also of her opposite lead, and of his odd attentiveness recently. Why does he seem to care so much? Why would anyone care? She doesn't need anyone. James included. She vows not to give in to him. Sure, the idea of confiding in someone, like he obviously seems to want her to, is a tempting one, but she's learned it's not worth it. And the greater the temptation, the worse the outcome if you're weak enough to give in.


	8. Protect

"I'm worried about her." James kneels beside his bed, eyes lifted to the One he knows can help. "Watch over her. Protect her and let her know I'm here for her. I don't think she knows you, but maybe I can help her to." James rises and turns off the lamp. Worry for his beautiful colleague fills him as he remembers the pain of his own past. James remembers trying to survive on his own, trying to be the kind of 'man' his father told him to be. Faithless, suffocating under the pressures set on him by himself and his drunken abusive father. But sometimes people can have a greater impact on others than they realize and James made it through. A light shining in the darkness, and guiding him out the end of a long dark tunnel. James vows to do the same for Idina, and falls into a deep and restful sleep.


	9. Control

Idina awakes, gasping. She throws off the covers and scrambles out of bed. Panic courses through her as she all but sprints to the living room. Still a room. Still trapped inside a building. But open enough for now. She paces back and forth as words flow through her head. Idiot. Stupid. Fat. Weak. Ugly. Horrible. Worthless. Trapped. She runs both hands into her hair and grasps tightly for something to hold on to. She feels the tension at her scalp, followed by pain as her back arches and her arms stretch further. The feelings flow through her, the emotion, the hurt, the pain, the hate, all desperate for a way to escape. Her breath comes in short, halting gasps as she fights to remain in control. The room spins and she stumbles to the couch. Her legs give out and she falls onto it. Bending in half, she holds onto her head as her breathing slows and the panic ebbs. She sees her phone light up on the side table. She reaches for it and sees a message from James. "Hey Idina. Just wanted to make sure you were okay after tonight. Thinking of you. -James" She resists the urge to throw the phone across the room, hating that he noticed, hating she let someone see, hating she can't trust herself to talk to anyone, and more than anything else, hating how far she's fallen.


	10. Reminder

An alarm clock blares. Ugh, Idina thinks as she rolls over and weakly turns the alarm off. After silencing the noise she lets her hand lay limply on the clock as she dreads getting up. She breathes deep and swings her legs to touch the ground. Her head spins and throbs from the night before and she leans forward to hold her head in her hands. More or less, the pain subsides and the vision clears. Idina rises and listens to the silence surrounding. Taye would be at house soon to pick up Walker. Shoot. What an idiot, she tells herself. Her mouth remains as though glued shut as she scrambles to appear confident and presentable. Idina grimaces as she laments the fact that hardly anything could be farther from the truth. Disgust fills her as she looks herself over in the mirror. Not thin enough. Not pretty enough. Bags under dark, hardened, hollowed eyes. The doorbell rings, and a reminder of lost love has arrived to take away the one she remains strong for.


	11. Words

p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;""Hey!" Idina's head jerks up at James' cheery voice echoing across the empty stage. She plasters a/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"smile on, but not quite quick enough. She sees his falter for a moment. Frick. "You okay?" James'/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"concern shows through in his voice and his eyes. Idina smiles harder on the outside while nearly/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"crumbling on the inside. The pat, memorized response slips early through her lips./p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;""I'm fine. Just a little tired." She smiles again as she finishes in an attempt to make the lie more/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"believable. She hates what she's become. A lying fool. The desire to tell him is almost as intense as the/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"need to keep her secrets hidden./p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;""No wonder, you've practically worn a hole in the stage!" James' awful joke brings a glimmer of truth to/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"Idina's smile. They look around backstage./p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;""Sorry. Pacing's a habit." She makes a face and they both chuckle./p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;""I thought you said you paced when you memorized lines. You can't still be memorizing lines. You're/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"killing it out there!" he gestures to the stage as Idina rolls her eyes./p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;""I'm always memorizing something," she replies, fingering the paper she's folded and unfolded a/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"million times since writing the words./p  
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p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"things about her warms idina's heart, but only for a moment before she remembers that he's only being/p  
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p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;""Falling Slowly." She hands him the paper and he reads the lyrics written in flowing ink. The melody/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"flows through his head as he runs his finger across the wearing fold marks./p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;""A beautiful song. Fit for a beautiful lady." Idina can feel his intense stare as she looks at the ground./p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;""Thanks," she answers in a flat voice. " We both ought to get ready. Rehearsal begins in twenty/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"minutes." He watches as she turns and walks back to her dressing room without ever lifting her head./p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"Her feet drag slightly, as if the effort of walking, or simply just being, is taking its toll. He stands there,/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"still holding her words, wishing to dear Heaven there was some way he could help her./p 


	12. Reserves

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p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"loves her job, but powering through nearly five hours of rehearsal when you can hardly get out of bed/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"will take its toll on everybody. Her head spins and she leans against a backstage wall before hearing/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"the familiar cue and pushing herself off, propelling her forcefully and confidently back onstage. The/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"stage revolves and the story evolves. And the scene resolves./p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;""That's it! Take five, everybody!" Carmel's voice rises from the pit and the rest of the cast walks off/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"stage. James remains by Idina's side as she blinks, slowly and wearily./p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;""Take five?" She turns to him, incredulous confusion written across her face. Oh Idina, he thinks as/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"his heart goes out to her. Never before has he seen someone trying so hard to be strong. Her wideeyed/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"innocence in that moment makes her seem like a child. His protective streak goes a mile wide/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"whenever he's around this beautiful woman./p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;""Practice was extended an hour today. Did you not get the message?" His gentle tone of voice nearly/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"breaks her. All of a sudden she wants to throw herself into his arms, to have someone catch her again/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"for once instead of always falling on her own. She looks down as she takes a deep breath./p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;""No, I must have missed it. That's alright. Walker is with Taye for the next couple of weeks, so no/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"problem." She meets his eyes, her mask firmly in place again. He sees the fragility beneath the/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"projected strength and decides against bringing it up. "I mean, what's one hour when compared to five?"/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"James cracks a smile and they share a chuckle. The chuckle dies and Idina silently looks down and/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"departs to her dressing room. Shoot. Frick. Another hour. I didn't plan for this. Crap. How am I going to do this? Her head spins/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"from panicked exhaustion and swirling thoughts. She'd given all she had in the previous five hours. Did/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"she even have anything left to give onstage? Lacking even the energy to pace, Idina falls into the chair/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"in her dressing room. Three minutes left. Three minutes to find something in some deep hidden place/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"inside of her. She feels as though all of her reserves are empty. She tells herself to snap out of it, get/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"over it, she can do this. She rises shakily to her feet and heads back towards the stage./p 


	13. Planned

p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;""Don't go." James sees the hollow depths of Idina's eyes, struggling to push through and be strong/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"far past her limit./p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;""Liz." His concern is even more profound and real than the performance the night before as the scene/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"plays out. He's amazed she's made it this far. Two thirds of an hour longer than she had planned for,/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"accounted for. James exits and Idina takes a deep breath./p 


	14. Fade

p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"Her breath shakes as she struggles to bring in enough air to project her voice./p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"I hate you, I hate you.../p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"Her voice wobbles as she begins the song, channeling her desperation to be strong enough./p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"Forget it, I know you.../p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"She misses a step as she makes her choreographed path across the stage./p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"'Cause what does it matter?/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"Her vision blurs and the theatre spins./p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"It's not like I need you.../p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"Her knees threaten to give out with every step and she fights to keep her head in the song./p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"You know I'm not selfish but.../p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"Her breaths come in short, desperate gulps, somehow managing to gasp out phrases./p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"She throws her arms back. "Okay?" Her voice chokes on the last word. She can hardly make out/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"James' form as he re-enters. She sways as she inhales a wheezy breath before everything fades to/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"black./p 


	15. Shadow

p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"Dear God, no! James mentally shouts as he drops the army bag and rushes to Idina's side, reaching/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"her before anyone else, nearly as soon as she hits the floor. He hears her wheezing breaths slow and/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"shallow as he holds her in his arms./p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;""Idina. Idina!" He supports her head and neck with one hand while cradling her upper body with his/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"other arm. He can feel how thin she's gotten, how fragile, skin and bone her thin frame has become./p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"She's a shadow of who she once was. The rest of the cast begins to approach at the sharp, afraid tone/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"of James' voice. He feels a hitch in her breath and her eyes shutter open. She closes them again and/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"curls into James' warm arms,tears leaking out of the corners of her eyes. She leans her head into the/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"corner of his neck and he moves his hand to encircle her and draw her nearer to him, wishing he could/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"protect her from whatever haunts her but at least for now protecting her from the watching eyes of the/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"crew closing in./p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;""She'll be alright. I've got her," James says, meeting the gaze of the director, trusting his eyes to convey what he cannot intone. He succeeds and the director begins instructing the rest of the cast to/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"go on home and informing them about the next day's rehearsal. He shifts his arms to have on beneath/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"her knees and stands to exit. He holds her close as he makes his way to his dressing room. He can feel/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"her silent tears, shaking her shoulders and soaking his shirt. Taking care not to knock her head on the/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"door frame, he manuvers his way into his dressing room and gently shuts the door with his foot. He sits/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"on the couch and she curls tighter into herself, and tighter unto James. He lets her cry, rubbing her/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"back in slow, comforting circles. Her teary gasps have a certain rhythm to them, and he realizes she/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"whispers with every exhale. I'm so sorry...I'm so sorry...I'm so sorry... He closes his eyes as his heart/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"breaks for the beautiful woman. Her sobs slow as she falls asleep, though tears still stream down her/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"cheeks. Even asleep her exhales seem to hold apologies. He cradles her sleeping figure close to his/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"heart, trying protect her from herself./p 


	16. Heartbeat

p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;""No...no!...I'm sorry!...Please...no..." Idina tosses in her sleep, startling James. He catches her and/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"moves her to an upright sitting position, leaning sideways onto his chest./p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;""Idina...Idina..." He pushes the hair from her face as he tries to pull her from the nightmare she's/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"trapped in. She pulls away and opens her eyes, then falls back onto him as the tears return./p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;""You, have suffered enough, and warred with yourself. It's time that you've won." James' soothing/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"voice falls on Idina's ears, a distraction from the h*** in her mind. She squeezes hear eyes shut, tears/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"leaking out the corners as she joins him in song./p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;""Take this sinking boat and point it home. We've still got time." The simple melody calms and distracts/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"Idina. Her heart floods with warmth. Someone took time to know her words, to care about them, to care/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"about her. Even after she's been such a disgrace, been so weak, he still cares. The song comes to an/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"end and they sit in meaningful silence. Idina's hand rests on James' chest, feeling his heart beat,/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"breathing in time with him. He wipes away the still falling tears as they trail down her cheeks./p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;""Why do you care?" Idina's quiet whisper breaks the silence. The honest brokeness in her voice tugs/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"at James' heart. To have someone so incredible think so little of herself that she doesn't see how or why/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"anyone would care...He wants to show her that he cares, and that he always will. That he'll always be/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"there for her, even in the worst nights./p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;""Because no one needs to hurt like you do, much less someone as incredible and beautiful and/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"wonderful as you." More tears fall at the sincerity of James' answer./p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;""I am none of those things." She states simply, honestly, brokenly./p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;""You are all of those and so much more. And you're so strong. I see it every time I see you. You are the/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"epitome of strength and beauty." James struggles to find words to convey his immense emotions. The/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"love he has for her isn't romantic, but a friend in the truest and deepest sense. He doesn't want to do/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"anything dirty to her, but love her and support her when she had no one else, to be there and care for/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"her in the darkest of nights. The nights full of tears, full of panic, void of sleep, battling her mind/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"against a relapse./p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;""I'm not strong. Strong people don't slice their arms open, don't starve themselves, don't pass out in/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"front of everyone. And I'll never be beautiful. You don't have to lie to me." Defeat mixes with self-hate/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"and despair as Idina speaks. "It's not lying. It's looking at things a different way." With a small, saddened smile James' completes/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"the reference. His smile fades as he returns to reality and continues. "I'd never lie to you, Idina. And I'll/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"never, ever leave you. I'm so sorry I didn't do something sooner. I'm sorry I waited too long." Hearing/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"someone else apologize for her own weakness brings Idina back to sobs. It's her own stupid fault. She/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"brought this upon herself. Why can't he see that? Why does he insist on caring after she's done nothing/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"but hurt everyone around her?/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;""No. It's not your fault. It's mine." Idina whispers between gasping, quiet sobs. She turns her head into/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"James' chest, hiding her face from the light./p 


	17. Tears

p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;""How could it ever be your fault?" James feels helpless at how to bring Idina to the truth, how to help/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"her see through clear lenses again instead of the darkened mess in her mind./p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;""It's always my fault. I'm a horrible, awful, despicable excuse for a human being." Idina squeezes her/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"eyes shut against the pain in the last sentence. The gradual hush of the voice, the soft resignment,/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"these words are not her own./p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;""What? No. Idina, you're the most wonderful person I know!" The change in her tone of voice dawns/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"on James. "Wait...what miserable jerk told you that?" Idina's silence is answer enough for him. The/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"increase in tears is more than enough. "It was Taye, wasn't it." James states, not asks, and the pain on/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"Idina's face reaffirms the statement. "No. It's not true. Why-how on earth could you say that to/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"anyone? Let alone someone as incredible as you are! I'm gonna hurt the idiot. Please, can I go hurt/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"him?" James squirms as anger rises in him towards the man whose unbelievable lies contributed to such/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"enormous pain. Idina flattens her curled fist on James' chest, holding him down had he not been/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"holding her./p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;""No. Don't hurt him. It wasn't anything I wasn't already telling myself. It's just...different hearing the/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"words come from someone else's mouth." Idina's voice has flattened into emotionless monotone, as if/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"she's hurt enough to have numbed herself to the pain./p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;""They're lies, Idina. Every single one of those. You're not horrible, you're incredible. You're not awful,/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"you're wonderful. You could never be despicable, And the only way you'd be an excuse for a human/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"being would be in reference to how much of an angel you are. I can go through and refute each and/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"every lie that sick idiot told you. I want to. Just give me time." Idina reaches her am up to throw around/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"James' neck. She clings to him as sobs wreak her small, fragile body as she finally lets someone in./p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"James holds her as the tears flow, running a hand through soothingly through her hair. Eventually, the/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"tears ease from wracking sobs to silent trails. Idina detaches slightly from James and attempts to wipe/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"away the tears but more keep arrive immediately to replace them. Her furious wiping suddenly stills/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"after a glance at James' shirt. She reaches out to touch the darker areas, wet with tears./p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;""I'm sorry. I didn't mean to cry. " Fury burns inside James at whoever has made this beauty feel so/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"worthless./p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;""Someone once said, people don't cry because they're weak; it's because they've been strong for too/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"long. You're so incredibly strong, Idina. Don't apologize for crying; don't apologize to me for anything./p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"You're wonderful and beautiful and amazing and nothing you could ever say or do will change that to/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"me. You've done nothing wrong. You have nothing to be sorry for." James puts as much depth and emotion as he can into the words, willing her to believe them over the lies from the past. Idina closes her/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"eyes and turns her head away in disbelief. His honesty and her desire to believe him keep the tears/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"rolling./p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;""Im so dirty, unclean, despicable...I need to shower. Forever." The tears have stopped and Idina sits/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"straight upright with the need to cleanse herself, of the lies, of the past, of the weakness./p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;""No Idina. You're not despicable, or dirty, or any of those things. Stop saying that. Do you want to/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"shower here? Can you stand?" James supports her back as she moves to stand up. He refuses to let/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"Idina go on with the self-depreciation. Someday she will see how incredible she is, and he'd prefer/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"sooner to later./p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;""I'll be fine. Thank you." Once on her feet Idina makes to exit the dressing room. She pauses with her/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"hand on the door knob before turning and rushing back into James' arms. "No." She says in a hushed/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"whisper. "I don't want to be alone."/p 


	18. Blend

p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;""I won't leave you. It's gonna be okay." James reassures Idina as he scoops her into his arms, carrying/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"her through the now-empty theatre to the bathroom off her dressing room. He sets her down and/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"steadies her as she finds her balance. "I'll be right outside the door. As soon as I hear the water running/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"I'll come back in."/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"James excuses himself at Idina's nod and she quickly undresses and steps in the shower, avoiding/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"any glance at the mirror on the wall. Pulling the curtain and turning the water all the way to hot, Idina is/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"grateful for the blurred vision. She can't stand the sight of herself. As she hears the door open she/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"steps into the not nearly hot enough water. It's hot enough to be slightly painful, but not hot enough to/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"actually burn her skin. She turns around, wincing as the steaming water hits her scalp but then relaxing/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"into the pain. Stupid idiot. There's no going back now. You know he's going to worry. Idina's/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"snowballing thoughts are interrupted by the simple strumming of a guitar. He brought his guitar to play/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"for her. Her. The stupid, awful idiot who managed to make a mess of her life and mind. Her heart smiles/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"a bit, or at least frowns a little less./p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;""There's only us, there's only this. Forget regret or life is yours to miss." The simple, soothing melody/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"washes over her and the tension eases slightly. Idina washes her body as quickly as possible, hating the/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"sight of herself. With James' voice as a reminder that maybe she's finally not alone, she steps back/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"under the flow of water to rinse the lather from her body, feeling as though some of the hurt and/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"disgustingness accompanies the suds down the drain. She moves on to wash her hair as James'/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"continues to sing. Perhaps the most meaningful lyrics in that moment approach and she joins him. Their/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"voices blend like the earth and the sky in a radiant summer sunset./p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;""I can't control my destiny. I trust my soul. My only goal is just to be. There's only now. There's only/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"here. Give in to love, or live in fear. No other path. No other way. No day but today. There's only us,/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"there's only this. Forget regret, or life is yours to miss. No other road, no other way. No day but today./p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"No day but today." Idina shuts off the water, feeling completely cleansed for the first time in months./p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"She stands in a contented daze until a cold chill draws a shiver and the present returns./p 


	19. Scars

p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"James watches the slender hand sneak out from behind the shower curtain, groping for a nonexistent towel. He chuckles and holds a towel in her line of grasping. The of her hand bumps into the towel and/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"she draws it back into the shower as James returns to his spot on the opposite side of the bathroom. A/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"few seconds later Idina pulls back the shower curtain and takes a cautious, tired step out, wrapped/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"only in a towel. James stifles a gasp. The costumes had done a better job than he realized of/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"concealing how thin she had gotten. James' gaze is drawn from the prominent bones to the memories/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"displayed clearly on her arm. Idina catches him staring and looks down as well. The shower causes them/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"to look as red and angry as the night they had been made./p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;""I cover them up onstage when my sleeves don't cover them. Normally they don't show quite so bad./p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"As soon as I dry off I'll cover them up again." The forced emotionlessness of her voice is broken only by/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"a hint of shame and hatred. Looking at her eyes, James sees all the emotion she tries to hide. The pure/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"hatred and shame makes his heart ache for the beautiful woman in front of him./p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;""No, Idina, you don't need to cover them up. Not for me." He struggles to find words for his emotions,/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"his mind still reeling from the revelation./p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;""Yes, I do. They're ugly, horrid, despicable. Mistakes, just like me." She meets his eyes, the pain of/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"memories hidden behind strong-willed determination daring him to disagree./p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;""I don't think they're ugly. I see them as a sign of strength and beauty. And you could never be a/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"mistake. Think of all the lives you've changed, the ones you're still changing." Idina looks away, closing/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"her eyes against the onset of tears, not believing a word James is saying. He cautiously takes her hand/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"and pulls it towards him, extending her arm straight. He bends forward slightly and presses a kiss to the/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"scars closest to him. Idina's head snaps around to look at him, mouth open in shock. He places another/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"one right above that, and another one, until a tender gesture of love has touched every hurt-filled/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"memory. He straightens again and looks Idina in the face. Tears stream down her face at the love and/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"care for her from the man in front of her./p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;""James...I don't know what to say..." Idina struggles for words but instead throws her arms around/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"her neck, crying silently into his shoulder. Taye had always hated her scars, called her weak and/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"dispicable for having them, no matter how old they were. James' pure, unadulterated love for her, the/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"acceptance and non-judgement of her scars...no one has loved her this completely, this fully, since her/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"mess began. She clings to him, never wanting to let go./p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;""Idina, you're absolutely incredible. Nothing you say or do, nothing you've said or done or have yet to/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"do could ever change that. These scars, they show your strength, not your weakness. You're in a battle/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"against yourself. No, you're winning a war against yourself." James speaks softly into her ear, running/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"his fingers through her still dripping wet hair. His brows furrow in concern as every time he draws his/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"hand away, more hair follows. How does she even still have hair left on her head? Idina pulls back,/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"sniffling and avoiding his eyes again./p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;""I need to get dressed." Managing a sentence through the tears, she draws a shaky breath before/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"bringing her head up to meet his eyes again. The pain, the innocence, the memories, the fragility, all/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"displayed so clearly in the typically guarded green orbs pull James' heart to his throat. "Please don't/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"leave me." She whispers, her eyes searching for something in his. He hopes she sees to his heart, that/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"she sees he'll never leave. He grasps her unoccupied hand and squeezes it reassuringly./p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;""I promise, I will never leave you. I'll be right here. You'll be changing in your dressing room and I'll be doing my business." James attempts a joke and cracks half a smile. The corners of Idina's mouth work/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"like she's trying to smile, but nothing's happening./p 


	20. Questions

p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"James' smile slides from his face as Idina exits the bathroom. He closes the door behind her and walks/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"towards the shower. He pulls back the curtain and is shocked at the amount of hair collected around/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"the drain. The water can't even drain completely from Idina's hair clogging it up. Growing up with two/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"sisters and a mom, James knows this much hair doesn't normally fall out at such a young age. Worry/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"immediately flows through him as he thinks of all the possible reasons for this abnormality. He hopes its/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"nothing too serious. Finishing up in the bathroom, he hears a weak knock on the door. He opens it to/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"see Idina standing, fully clothed with her wet towel in hand. She looks down and steps into the/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"bathroom, moving to hang the towel on the hook beside the shower. The curtain is open. The change/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"stops Idina in her tracks and she turns to look at James, concern written across her face./p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;""I opened it." James offers an explanation and Idina once again looks down in shame. She turns and/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"resumes hanging up the towel before facing him again, though still refusing to meet his eyes. "Honey, I/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"know that's not normal. Are you okay?" Idina sighs at the question, seeming too weary to answer what/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"James had thought was a simple question. He hesitantly changes his wording. "Are you...sick?"/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;""Not...exactly. Not really." Idina takes a deep breath before continuing. "There's not really anything/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"wrong with me. I'm just an idiot." This thoroughly confuses James. What does being an idiot have to do/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"with hair falling out? While he tries to sort it out in his mind, Idina simply stands there, ashamed. Even/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"fully clothed she feels naked. He held her as she cried, he's seen her weaknesses. Everything feels so/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"weird. All at the same time she's glad she told him but also wants her secrets back. Something clicks in/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"James head and he focuses his gaze on Idina./p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;""Idina, when was the last time you had something to eat?" She hadn't eaten with the cast in a while,/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"but he'd always figured she'd gone home and eaten with Walker. Reconsidering he orders if she'd eaten/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"at all./p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;""Um, I had coffee this afternoon." She runs a shaky hand through her drying hair, embarressed at/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"the questions and wrestling with the truth of the answers./p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;""And before that?" James hates the questions just as much as Idina does, but doesn't feel like he can/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"just let them go unasked./p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;""Probably an apple and more coffee...sometime?" She crosses one arm across her small body, her/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"hand sub-conciously covering the scars, as if to protect him from the danger or her. She looks so/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"fragile, so tiny and innocent. So breakable. He crosses to her and gently wraps her in his arms. At first/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"she stiffens, thinking about pulling away. But she changes her mind, snaking her arms out from in/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"between their bodies. She throws her arms around James' neck, clinging to him and sobbing as he holds/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"her up./p 


	21. Become

p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"She hates the mess she's become. She hates that she can't seem to stop letting him see. She hates/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"how weak she is, how broken, defeated, lonely. How empty she's become. He holds her, supporting her/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"entire body weight. She's startlingly light, like a bird. And how much she wanted to fly away, to/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"somewhere free from the memories of the past, the pain of the present, the worry for the future. Somewhere where everything could be okay./p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;""Idina, honey, it's getting late." James' glance at the clock warned him the janitorial staff would be/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"locking up soon. Getting locked in a theatre overnight, no matter how beautiful, did not sound like a/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"good strains his ears to hear Idina's reply./p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;""I don't want to go home." There's unmistakable certainty in Idina's hushed whisper, along with fear./p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"Right now, in Idina's foggy, over-stimulated state of mind, little is known for sure except that going/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"home would not be pleasant. James understands, knowing the memories there would be increasingly/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"overwhelming tonight./p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;""Come on. I'll take you home." He tries to let go but Idina's grasp tightens./p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;""No, don't leave me." Completely spent from the exhausting day, Idina struggles to comprehend what/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"James' is saying./p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;""I won't leave you, I promise. That's why I'll take you with me. Honey, we really don't want to be/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"trapped in here all night." At the word 'trapped' Idina attempts to spring from James' arms, but nearly/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"falls once back on her own feet again. He steadies her and they gather their belongings to leave the/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"theatre. Idina locates her bag and James his keys and they cautiously exit the dressing room. Afraid to/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"lose each other in the dark hallway, Idina searches for James' hand. Their hands collide and a strong,/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"protective hand envelopes a fragile, delicate one. Together they make their way to the faint light coming/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"through the window on the door at the end of the hallway. James pushes open the door and they step/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"out into the stinging cold./p 


	22. Lucky

p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"James opens the car door for Idina, steadying her as she sways in the strong winter gusts. She climbs/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"in and leans back against the seat, motionless except for the wracking shivers. James takes the long/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"way around the back of the truck, breathing deep as his heart aches for the broken beauty in the/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"passenger seat. She's tried for so long to be strong, yet sees herself as nothing but a weakling failure./p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"If only she could see how incredibly strong she really is. He opens the door and climbs in, turning on/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"the ignition as he shuts the door. Looking over he sees Idina curled up against the door, clearly as far/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"away from the drivers seat as she can be. He cranks the heat up in an attempt to subdue her trembling,/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"but if anything it intensifies. She draws her legs up to her chest, curling into herself as her mind eats/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"away at itself. James pushes the speed limit and shortens the time needed to arrive at his apartment./p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"He pulls into the parking lot and turns off the engine./p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;""Idina, we're here." His soft words are nearly lost in the howling wind outside and the shaking gasps/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"inside the vehicle. She doesn't react. "Idina." James puts a little more force into his voice, frightened./p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"She jumps and turns to face him, pure fear in her eyes before the dawn of recognition. "We're here."/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"She nods and gathers herself to get out. She leans her head against the cool window glass, summoning/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"up the will to get up and face whatever's out there. James' kind, concerned face appears outside the/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"window and Idina finds the strength. He takes her hand and they walk quickly to the apartment/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"entrance. James holds Idina close to him, trying to share his body heat to calm her obvious, teeth chattering/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"shivers as he fumbles with the keys. They eventually make it into the small apartment and/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"James goes to find a blanket to warm Idina up. She stands in the entryway, shivering and staring at the/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"floor, lost in the depths of her mind. James returns with a few blankets and holds one out to her. She blinks and gazes up at him, her rich evergreen eyes wide seeming to search to the depths of his soul. He/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"could get lost those eyes, at the moment showing broken innocence and vulnerability but can shine a/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"love brighter than the sun and deeper than the sea. Someday she'll be whole again, and maybe she'll/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"look at him like that. If he's that lucky./p 


	23. Maybe

p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;""Do you want some coffee?" James breaks himself from her gaze to offer the little substance he hopes maybe she'll partake in. He knows he needs something more, but a little something is better than the nothing she's been putting in her body recently. Idina visibly wrestles with the question, wringing her hands beneath the blanket wrapped around her thin shoulders./p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;""Sure. Thanks." She follows him into the kitchen where he wordlessly makes the coffee for both of them. Her eyes widen and brows furrow as she silently watches him fix it just the way she likes her coffee. He took the time to remember even the smallest details about her, the ones no one had cared to even notice in years. Could he really care about her? This pathetic, worthless, disgusting excuse for a life? Maybe. Tears glimmer in her tired eyes at the thought of someone else caring one thing or another about her. He turns around, looking down at the cup of coffee in each hand. He holds one out to Idina and lifts his gaze to meet her eyes. She takes her mug from him and places it on the nearby counter. James barely has time to set down his own before Idina's arms are once more wrapped around his /"Thank you." James somehow understands that the hushed whisper is for so much more than just the coffee. Maybe it's a moment of vulnerability, maybe a step towards healing. Maybe it's both, maybe it's none of the above. Neither of them know anything in that moment except that in the arms of the other they are safe, and someday everything will be alright./p 


	24. Dare

p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"Idina untangles her arms from around James' neck and reaches for her coffee. He reluctantly lets go/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"of her tiny waist, wishing he could hold onto her and keep her safe forever. He doesn't know it, but she/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"wishes so too. For the time being she dares to believe James might be different. Maybe he won't leave/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"like all the others. Though he doesn't know the reasons for them, he's seen the worst. The scars, the/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"bones, the tears. But the words were always what sent people running. She can tell he's curious, he/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"wants to know the reasons so he can fix everything and make it all better. That's the kind of guy James/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"is. But the best thing is he hasn't asked. Hasn't pressured her to talk, hasn't demanded answers. He's/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"just been there for her, and that means so much more than words can say. He picks up his coffee and/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"leads her into the living room. Idina shuffles along behind him, trying not to lose the blanket. Taking in/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"the room around her as James clears off a chair for her, Idina's eye land on the pictures on the/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"bookcase, right next to a collection of scripts, songbooks, and sheet music. The shelves are adorned/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"with various pictures of the cast of If/Then. Her heart warms as she sees a picture of her and James/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"together in the middle, clearly special to him. Her heart sinks right back where it had been when her/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"eyes find a picture of Jenn, Steph, Carmel, and her from early rehearsals. Back when she could still/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"paste on a smile and make everyone believe nothing was wrong. Her smile matches everyone else's, but/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"a look in her eyes and you can tell the smile doesn't quite reach. No amount of acting could completely/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"cover up the immense hurt she felt. "Sorry. I'm not a very tidy person." James apologizes for the not-quite-spotless state of order. He/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"sees her staring at the pictures, a somber, saddened, contemplative look about her. His eyes follow/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"hers to the rehearsal photograph as he crosses the room to stand next to her./p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;""I look so happy." Idina's voice sounds far away, as if she's lost in another world inside her head./p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"James wraps an arm around her blanket encompassed shoulders, pulling her close as remorse and/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"regret fill him. he leans her head on his shoulder and he presses a kiss into her softly curling hair./p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;""You fooled even me for far too long, sweetie. And I'm so sorry I didn't do something sooner." He/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"allows his mind to wander briefly, wondering how things might have ended up differently if he'd been/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"persistent when he first noticed, if he'd noticed sooner, how things might have changed./p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;""No, don't apologize. I didn't want anyone to know anything was wrong. I thought maybe if I could/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"convince everyone else that everything was okay maybe it would be. Instead I just spun out of control."/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"Idina hates that even though she hasn't told him anything he still seems to know so much about her./p 


	25. Captivated

p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"She takes another long sip of coffee, the warmth spreading throughout her entire body even though/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"stepping away from James. She sets the mug down and tugs the blanket tighter as she gathers her/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"nerves./p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;""Okay, um, I kind of, don't really like myself." Idina struggles to put her emotions into words. She's so/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"afraid as soon as she tells James he'll leave like all the rest. But he can't leave completely. So he'll just/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"silently judge her from across the stage, she'll taste the disgust in their kisses, see the disappointment/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"in every glance. Looking up to see nothing but concern and acceptance in his eyes, she takes a deep/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"breath to continue. "Okay, that's an understatement. I freaking hate myself. I never even used to know/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"anyone could posses this much hate within them, but now I know all to well. Stop!" Idina holds out a/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"hand in a halting manner as James opens his mouth to speak. "I know you're going to say I'm wonderful/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"and beautiful and have no reason to hate myself so I should just stop. I should get over it, whatever 'it'/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"is, and just like myself. Well, I've heard it all before, over and over and over. And I don't terribly want to/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"hear it again." There's a fine bite to Idina's words as her hurt in the past returns as anger. She/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"immediately realizes her anger has been misdirected and worries that she's hurt James. "Sorry." The/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"single word in a hushed, frightened whisper tugs at James' heart./p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;""No, honey, that's not what I was going to say at all. I mean, you are beautiful and wonderful and/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"incredible and so much more than words can convey, but what I was going to say is, I know. And I am so,/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"so sorry. I know I could never hate you, and I don't see how anyone could ever hate you, but that/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"doesn't make your feelings any less real. I don't want to pretend like they're not there because I don't/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"understand them, I want to help you see the way I see." Idina stares, captivated by the love and emotion/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"and sincerity in James./p 


	26. Again

p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;""But how?" Her voice is pained, broken almost, as if she really doesn't see how anyone could help her/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"see any different, llike she can't even remember a time before she hated herself. James wants to do/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"anything he can to make that go away. More than just helping her remember that time, he wants to bring/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"her back to a wholeness and a happiness that she used to know./p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;""I can tell you everyday how incredible you are. I'll say it as often-" Idina cuts him off. "No." She winces at her own harshness. "Sorry, no. Words don't work. I've learned that much. Words/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"can be said quickly in anger and frustration and emotion, but you can never I hear anything, so I've/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"learned not to trust words." She looks down, hating shooting him down so early, but why should he/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"waste the time an energy if there's no way it would work? James kneels in front of Idina, placing one/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"hand on her knee and lifting her chin with the other, practically forcing her to meet his eyes./p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;""Then I'll show you. With my actions even more than my words. I just need time to figure out exactly/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"which actions will work, but I promise, Idina, someday you will be happy again." The heartfelt promise is/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"more than Idina can take. If he doesn't mean it, so what, another person leaves her. More nights spent/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"feeling hopeless and alone. But what if he does stay? What if he doesn't leave? Maybe he does care/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"enough to stick with her, through the darkest nights to the brightest days. More than nearly anything/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"else, she does want to be happy again. She wants to not have to work at a smile, to laugh until her sides/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"hurt, to be happy clear through rather than just a mask. To be happy again...it's a dream. In less than/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"an instant the coffee mug is on the side table and Idina's arms are around James' neck, tears soaking/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"his shoulder and neck. He catches her and rolls to a sitting position as he comforts her, holding her/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"close with one arm while with the other running a soothing hand through her hair and trailing down her/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"back. James wishes the tears and the cause for this becoming more frequent position were different, or/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"even absent, but realizes he quite likes holding Idina so close. The way her arms cling to him as if he's/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"the life bouey in the midst of a hurricane, as if he's the only one who can save her. He wishes he'd/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"realized sooner how alone she was, but is thankful to finally be able to help her, thankful that it's not/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"too late. He holds her, their figures intertwined sitting on the living room floor, Idina's sobs echoing/p  
p style="margin: 0px 0px 17px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 1.5; font-family: Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"through the silent apartment./p 


	27. Mad

"What about when you get mad?" Idina has calmed down some, though she remains sitting on James' lap, exhausted from the toll of life and the tears.  
"What do you mean? What do I have to be mad at you for?" James innocent confusion closes Idina's eyes against more tears. A flame of anger rises in James, not towards Idina, but towards whoever tried their very hardest to break such a beautiful spirit. From what he's seen they very nearly succeeded.  
"I'm so screwed up. I can't get a hold of myself, can't get over whatever this is, and it hurts the people around me. I try so hard not to, but sometimes I hurt people anyways, by accident or careless mistake or by somebody going where they don't belong, but regardless of the way people are hurt and it's my fault. And then people get mad, and they say things they don't mean and it hurts so freaking bad and the whole darned cycle starts again." By the end Idina's voice has risen from a hushed broken whisper to a louder, frustrated, almost hysterical tone. She falls back onto James' chest, once more giving in to tears. Who knew one person could cry so much? For someone who rarely cries, Idina feels much like a broken water spicket recently. She guesses one would become so after such physical and emotional exhaustion, but nevertheless feels weak for crying so much.  
"Dee...who did this to you?" James sits back in confusion, more than just angry at whoever is responsible, if there even is one person.  
"I did. No one is to blame but me." Idina's answer is solemn and resigned, sounding as though it's been thought over more than once before reaching such a false conclusion.  
"Beautiful, this isn't your fault. You've done nothing wrong." James' tender reply sends Idina into hysterics again.  
"I've done nothing wrong? I've done everything wrong! It's always my fault! And I'm not beautiful. I'm a screwed up freaking mess. And don't try to tell me that I'm not because I won't believe you. I'll try and try to believe you but it won't work. And then you'll say it over and over again and I still won't believe you and you'll do get mad because I might never believe you and you'll think I want to stay stuck in this mess but I don't! I hate who I've become. And you probably do to. But what's one more person?" The end trails off as Idina speaks more to herself than to James.  
James listens to what she says. None of this is new. All of it has been said directly to her or put in her mind by someone else. But who?


	28. Cocoon

Idina looks down and sighs, calmer after her outbursts. She prefers being angry to tears, but hates that people around her are more often hurt when she gets angry. James doesn't seem hurt though, just confused and concerned for her. The emotions of the day have exhausted Idina, though she knows sleep won't be pleasant. "It's all gone."  
James blinks, Idina's sweet voice drawing him from his thoughts. He chuckles at the sight of her, staring into her empty coffee cup like a confused child. The huge blanket cocooning her only increases the child-likeness. "Honey it's too late for more caffeine. I have decaf is you want." Idina wrinkles her nose and James laughs. "I know. What's the point if there's no caffeine. We could watch a movie. Would that be an acceptable compromise?" James holds back a grin, slick sass and sarcasm dripping from his words. He knows how much Idina loves movies.  
She thinks, looking down at her empty coffee mug, then back up at James. "What kind of movie?" Idina doesn't really care what the answer is, any kind of movie lengthening the time before she has to go home or to sleep sounds wonderful.  
James tries his hardest to hold back his smile, but a small one breaks through anyways. "Roman Holiday." He only watched it at first to try and figure out more about Idina, but then decided he actually kind of liked it. Not that he would admit it to any of his guy friends though.  
Idina's face breaks into a wide grin, a delightful giggle following close behind. He remembered. Lunch of one of the early rehersals, the entire cast had shared their favorite movies. She stands. "Yes. Do you want help with anything?" Warmed and calmed by the coffee and James' sincerity, Idina relaxes.  
"Nah, thanks though. The VCR player is still set up from Star Wars. You can join me on the couch if you'd like a better viewing angle though." Speaking from experience, James knows that watching an enitre movie from the seat Idina hod occupied moments earlier will leave you with an aching crick in your neck. Idina nods, gathering the lengths of the blanket and shuffling over to the couch as James goes to fetch the movie. She watches as he inserts the videotape into the player in a well-practiced manner and smiles. Most people these days have nearly forgotten how to use "old" technology like cassette tapes and VCRs. He fast forwards through the previews and presses play at the title screen. The narration begins and James joins Idina on the couch. She swings her legs up beside her and resituates her cocoon of blanket before leaning her head on James 'shoulder. After a few moments of squirming and shifting Idina is nearly comfortable and James' notices how perfectly her head seems to fit onto his shoulder. He removes his arm from between them and draws her closer. She closes her eyes and smiles. Perfect. She could stay here forever. Cocooned in James' arm, safe from the world around her, safe from herself. She opens her eyes again and loses herself in the movie.  
James barely pays attention to Anne and Joe's journey, finding Idina's responses to the movie much more interesting. For the first time in a while he sees her brow unfurl from its usual state of weary exhaustion. He loves seeing the slight but real smiles that grace her beautiful features at the funny parts, which to his delight happen often in the film. As the tale continues on Idina's blinks become slower and more frequent. They close again and she falls limp against him. He smiles and hopes her sleep is peaceful this time.


	29. Broken

"Did you sleep well?" James charming smile is hard to say no to, but Idina doesn't want to lie anymore, about anything. She shrugs. She can't remember exactly what the nightmare was about, but she knows her sleep wasn't pleasant. She sits up and sees the movie is over.  
"Wow. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to fall asleep." Idina rubs the sleep from her eyes, wishing there was some equally simple way to clear the fog from her mind. She leans forward to rest her elbows on her knees, hands still covering her eyes.  
"Why are you sorry? You must've been tired." James' voice seems a little too cheery, or at least to Idina it does. She figures it's just her being lost in her fog.  
"I don't know. I just am." Already Idina wishes she could go back to bed. The day ahead just seems too much.  
"Well, then stop it." James' voice carries a fine bite to it this time, tinting Idina's fog with dread and fear.  
"I'm sorry?" Panic scrambles through her sluggish mind to think of what might have done to set James off.  
"You're always apologizing for everything, no matter how many times I tell you there's no need to be sorry! It's like you're not even listening. All of the stuff we do to try and help you, and you don't even want to get better! I don't know why I even bother anymore." James' quietly explosive anger isn't any different than Taye's enraged yelling. Both hurt just as deep. Both make her want to run somewhere away, forever. Both leave her feeling worthless, reduced to a disappointing, worthless, despicable excuse for a human being. Now longer groggy with her face in her hands, Idina's mind races as she stares wide eyed at James. She sees the angry set of his mouth, the cold disappointment mixing with flaring anger in his eyes, the whiteness of his knuckles. Her vision fades as her mind overwhelms her. All of what James said and incinuated, things people said years ago, all of it rushes to the forefront of her mind, thoughts blocking her vision. But anything anyone has ever said doesn't hold a candle to what Idina has thought about herself. Self-hatred coarses through her as she quickly gathers her belongings to leave, James watching her in simmering rage. He follows her to the door.  
"One last question: do you even like who you've become?" Idina raises her head to try and met James' eyes. She gets as far as the disappointed sneer, the hate-filled slant of the eyes, and drops her gaze hefore meeting his, imagining the hate, the disappointment, the resentment, the absolute loathing she fears she'd find there. She shakes her head, gathering the courage to speak.  
"No." A hushed, barely audible whisper conveying shame and fear, worthlessness and weariness. The door slams with an agreed mutter. He agrees. Why should anyone like her. A despicable, self centered foil. He hates her. Never wants to see her again. Another person driven away by her own screwed up mess. Tears flood her vision for the first time since waking up. She wonders when, when will it ever stop, when will she ever learn. Isn't she broken enough? Each time she feels she can't break any further, it seems she figures out how wrong she is. She sets off down the hallway of the apartment building, wanting to take off sprinting and screaming but at the same time wanting to collapse into a huddle in the corner, never to move or do anything ever again. She finally makes it to the elevator, grateful for the deserted emptiness. Leaning against the wall, she struggles to keep it together. Oh what's the point. She sinks the the floor knees to her chest and head in her arms as her frail frame shakes with the wracking sobs of being weary, broken, and utterly alone.


	30. Here

James watches in concern, wondering if he should wake Idina from her clearly unrestful sleep. She grimaces and squirms in her subconscious. She whimpers and curls into herself. "Idina...baby, it's okay..." James rubs her back to try and wake her, but the nightmare has too tight of a grasp for her to be so easily drawn awake. He slips one of his arms underneath her knees and the other around her shoulders. Even though it's an akward position, picking up Idina requires less strength than it should. He makes a mental priority to try and help her back to a normal weight. The switch of positions to sitting upright on James' lap finally brings Idina out of her nightmare. She blinks and looks at James, confused.  
"You're still here..." She speaks slowly and hesitantly, refering not to the physical place, but to the fact that he didn't abandon her. "You don't hate me?"  
"No, honey, I could never hate you. And I will never, ever leave you. I promise." James rubs small, reassuring circles on Idina's upper back. Shoulder blade, spine, shoulder blade, spine. Each repition he can feel her bones easily. Oh poor baby, what have you gone through? James' heart aches for Idina as he wonders in his head.  
"I dreamt you did." Her breathes are still slightly irregular, but normalizing as she relaxes into James. She hates how helpless she is against nightmares. Many times she's been told it's her own fault because supposedly one can consciously rewrite one's nightmares to a more pleasant dream, but what do you do when your nightmares so parallel real life?  
"Left you or hated you? Neither is true, sweetheart, it was just a nightmare." Idina leans into James, struggling to believe that the words he's spoken will remain true forever rather become broken promises like so many others.  
Idina sniffs, the anxious silence filling the air before a barely audible whisper. "Both." Her head says no, stop talking now before the past repeats itself. She doesn't know if she could stand it again, left completely alone, more broken promises, the slow, painful process of her mind creating new nightmares after all the old have come true.


	31. Stay

Idina is pulled from the dark thoughts swirling through her head as she catches sight of a clock. It's past midnight. "It's so late. I'm sorry. I should go so you can get a good nights sleep. I'll go. See you at practice tomorrow. Well, today I guess." Idina rushes around gathering her things. Inside she curses herself for being such an inconvenience, causing such a disruption in James' day. She whirls around to go get her coat and nearly plows over James. "Sorry, sorry." Her muttered apologies and sidestepping are both brought to a halt by a firm, but gentle, hand on her elbow.  
"No, honey it's okay. I wouldn't be asleep by now any ways, if that's what you're worried about. And I've enjoyed your company tonight." James' voice is soothing and even, but Idina's mind is too vicious for it to register right now. She gives a dry, cynical bark of a laugh.  
"I've been really crappy company tonight. I always am." James stops and Idina resumes her hurried nature. She speaks so poorly of herself as casually as others discuss what they had for lunch. How many times has she made a comment like such and no one noticed? She says it so conversationally, it wouldn't be hard. How many times did they just let her go by? Idina is practically out the door by the time James snaps out of his daze.  
"Wait, Idina. No." She freezes at his voice, her hand resting on the doorknob. "Please stay. It's late, and the weather is awful. Not to mention your car is at the theatre. Please. What if you spent the night here and we can stop by your house on the way to rehearsal tommorow? Would that work?" James trieds to convey as much innocent sincerity into his words as he can. Having slowly turned to be facing him, Idina stands and stares. First at James, trying to gauge his sincerity, then out the window. The howling winds and swirling storm mimic the internal turmoil Idina feels. She directs her gaze back to James. His eyes show comfort, worry, sincerity, and something bordering on fear and desperation. He doesn't want her going out in the worsening storm at all, let alone to go home to an empty, panick-stricken apartment.  
"Okay." He almost doesn't catch the whispered reply as Idina drops her hand from the knob and her eyes to her hands. She stands there, nearly motionless, as if waiting for instruction. She looks so tiny and fragile, James struggles to resist gathering her in his arms once again.  
"Come on. You can borrow a pair of sweatpants if you'd like. One of us can sleep in the bed and the other can sleep in the living room. It doesn't matter to me which." They walk down the short hallway from the entry way to the living room.  
"I can sleep in the living room. I wouldn't want to take your bed. I'm intruding enough anyways." Idina trails off with the last sentence and stares at the floor. James continues into his bedroom and returns with a pair of sweatpants and a tshirt. She reaches out to take them and he lifts her chin.  
"Listen to me, Idina. You're not intruding at all. Ever. I'm so sorry I left you alone for so long. I wish I would've said something sooner, been able to help you more. But I didn't. And I'm sorry. But please know, baby, you are never, ever an inconvenience, or a bother, or a disappointment." Idina looks down, wishing she could believe the words James is saying. He drops his hand and she turns, clutching the clothes to her chest and fighting tears as she walks to the bathroom. She closes the door behind her and droops up against it, tears silently rolling down her cheeks. The streams continue as she changes quickly. After changing and attempting to wipe away the tears, Idina dares a glance in the mirror. How does James see who he does? All she can see is a broken failure, a disappointment, revolting, disgusting, horrid. Idina breathes deep as she gathers her clothes, fumbling with the door handle as she fights off panic from the rush of words to the forefront of her mind. She hurries back to the living room, slowing her steps just before the area of hallway within James' line of sight. She's caused him enough worry for one night. Gosh, why can't she learn to get a handle on herself and stop ruining everyone else's lives?  
Idina steps into the living room and James immeadiately notices the fresh, faint tear streaks on her face. She looks so tiny and broken. His long sleeve thermal shirt dwarfs her small frame. The collar is a bit crooked, exposing the beginning of one of her delicate collar bones and only adding to the childlike appearance. She lies her neatly folded clothes on the floor beside the couch, quietly thanking him for the pillow and blankets. He watches her unfold and organize the blankets largest to smallest, avoiding looking his direction the entire time. Finally, she picks up the top edge and carries all the blankets to the couch spreading them to cover all of her and then some of the couch. Once comfortable, she turns her face into the couch, leaving her back towards the rest of the room, including James. She looks so small all curled into herself. James walks over and kneels beside the couch, resting a hand on her thin shoulder. Turning her towards him, her face becomes visible again. Her eyes are squeezed shut against the onset of more tears. James leans forward and brushes a light kiss to her forehead. "Good night, my angel. Tomorrow will be better." He tucks a stray bit of her behind her ear as he stands and heads to his bedroom, turning off all the lights but one dim lamp as he goes. James stops in his doorway and turns, his thoughts go out to the troubled brunette bathed in the soft yellow light. He hopes her sleep is more restful than before.


	32. Hopeful

Idina awakes the next morning, feeling like death not even warmed over. She inhales and closes her eyes, groaning inside. It smells heavenly. But she doesn't want to eat, even if she thought she wouldn't feel sick afterwards. She burrows back under the blankets and tries to regroup for the day ahead. Footsteps gradually get louder until they stop and Idina knows James is standing right by her. He lays a hand on her arm and she tenses, the morning to early for touch, his hand too close to her scars.  
"Hey Idina, I made you something. Even if you don't want it there's still coffee, but please at least come and see." His pleading, hopeful voice and the promise of coffee are too much to resist. She wiggles underneath the blankets until she can stand, the blankets still draped around her shoulders like a cape. James first instinct is to laugh at the ridiculousness of the many layered blanket cape, but his gaze continues on to her face, her eyes, and his expression draws. Oh honey, I'm so sorry. James wants to envelope her in a hug but recognizes the weary, guarded look in her eyes, her distinct please-don't-touch-me-I'm-doing-my-best-to-be-okay manner. He turns and walks back into the kitchen, motioning for her to follow him. He hopes maybe his efforts will make some difference. Idina stops in the doorway of the kitchen and stares. Two plates, one smaller with a singular, tiny scone set upon it, the other average sized and bearing many. Two cups of coffee, heat still rising from the top. A white note card sits in front of the smaller plate and Idina walks over to read it. The smell was coming from the scones, apparently made by James this morning. Cinnamon and sugar top the scone, though the sides remain freshly sliced and golden. Idina squints to make out the scrawled handwriting through her early morning mental fog. The writing finally comes into focus and she can see it's a recipe car, ingredients and procedure on the front with nutritional facts on the back. Sixty calories a scone. Two grams of fiber. Four grams of protein. Barely any butter or sugar, includes Greek yogurt. And the amazing smell. Idina looks up and sees James' hopeful expression. She grins slightly, not understanding why he cares, not believing she deserves it, but his touching efforts make her feel almost worthful for the first time in...who knows how long? Sixty calories isn't too much, and it's very healthy. It's the least she can do for all the effort he's gone to and all the trouble she's caused. She takes a deep breath before posing a question.  
"Well, aren't you going to join me for breakfast?" James' face breaks into a wide grin, delighted as they sit down. The sunlight shines through the window and spreads across the table, picture perfect.


	33. Wrong

'Holy shiz I should not have eaten breakfast.' Idina takes a deep breath and swallows hard, trying to calm her churning stomach. Shifting from foot to foot she waits by the front door for James to finish his...business. 'I swear, that man takes longer to pee than anyone else I know.' Idina's thoughts are halted as the bathroom door opens and James joins her in the entryway.  
"Your place then the theatre?" James confirms the plan, reaching to the door knob.  
"Yes." Idina gulps in another breath after answering, her voice breathy and anxious. James' head turns to look her in the eye, brows furling in concern.  
"You okay?" Idina inwardly curses his attentiveness as she nods and looks away. He brings her gaze back to front with the back of a gentle finger to her cheek. She meets his gaze, trying to project as much strength as she can and hide her inner turmoil.  
"We need to go. We don't want to risk being late." Idina nods to the door and James draws back his hand. 'Oh honey, don't do this again. Please.' He swallows and opens the door, holding it open for Idina. He watches her subtle breath in before stepping confidently into the hallway. Together they walk outside to the parking lot. The car ride to Idina's apartment is silent, Idina sitting with her back ramrod stiff and staring straight ahead out the window and James glancing over at her often enough to border on edge of dangerous. He turns onto her street and hears her breath quicken. Why is she so afraid of going home? As they pull into the parking lot, Idina whispers a quiet thank you. James shuts the driver's side door behind him and walks around the truck. He stifles a giggle as Idina dangles her legs, reaching for the ground. Her toes finally make contact with the pavement and she lowers herself out of the truck. She glances at James, hoping he didn't see her struggle. Her cheeks flush with embarrassment when she sees his grin.  
"Oh, shut up," she mutters as she leads him to her apartment. The slight moment of relaxed amusement fades as Idina's tension builds again up the many flights of stairs. Her hands shake as she reaches in her purse, all but sprinting down the final hallway. Stopping in front of her door she struggles to get the key in the lock. A large set of warm, comforting hands appear in her blurring vision, one taking her key and the other taking her hand. Idina blinks and takes a step back, though remaining holding James's hand as he unlocks the door to let them both in. Her tremors intensify and James does his best to counteract them. She releases his hand and steps powerfully into her apartment.  
"I'll get changed and ready and grab a few things and then we can take off again. I shouldn't be more than a few minutes." Idina's voice wobbles and her words are hurried as she runs a shaky hand through her hair before turning and leaving James in the living room. He looks around. The room is clean almost to a fault. A bookshelf stands in the corner, three shelves filled with books alphabetized meticulously by author's last name, one shelf peculiarly filled with worn notebooks. Only one thing seems out of place. He walks over the the small, wooden table beside the couch. A notebook lays open, worn to match all the others on the bookshelf. He moves a thin tip, red, washable marker off the top of the notebook and picks it up. All but the last few pages are filled with words going every direction, all written in red marker. Fat. Ugly. Hopeless. Fool. Useless. Idiot. Stupid. Insignificant. Not good enough. Weak. Never enough. Worthless. James runs his finger over the spots where drops of water have blurred the writing. Despite his efforts against it, a single tear rolls down his face, falling to land on the notebook in the same spot once wet by one of Idina's tears. All of these words she wrote about herself, not a single one of them true. He wishes he knew how to show her how wrong all these words are.


	34. Red

James quickly wipes his eyes as he hears a noise behind him. Idina stands in the doorway, a bottle of prescription pills in hand and a water bottle full of tea tucked in the crook of her elbow. She shakes a single pill out into her free hand and replaces the lid. Taking advantage of her distraction, he quickly tries to return the notebook to its proper spot. She closes her eyes and grimaces as she swallows the pill.  
"I'm ready whenever you are." Her defeated tone matches the weariness written all over her face as she returns the little, orange bottle to the cabinet. James clears his throat in an effort to clear the choked up emotion.  
"Are you okay?" he asks in reference to the pill bottle.  
"They're nothing new." She half answers the question and turns to look at James. "Are you okay?" Her beautiful face is filled with concern for him. He drops his gaze and she follows suit, catching sight of the shut notebook. "Oh gosh. I'm sorry. I was, in a hurry, and forgot. I'm so sorry. That shouldn't have been there." She quickly grabs the notebook and marker, putting away the marker, then rushing past him to return the notebook to its spot on the shelf. He catches her elbow.  
"No, Idina, don't be sorry. It's okay. Please don't apologize to me." Idina looks down, wishing she could remember how not to apologize for everything. But everything seems to in one way or another be her fault, so why shouldn't she apologize? He loosens his grip on her elbow and she speeds away to the bookcase. Her hands quiver as she places it carefully where it belongs. James' heart breaks for such a beautiful woman who can't see how incredibly strong she is. "Idina...honey...what, exactly, was that?" His words are halting and his voice slightly choked as he forces himself to ask the question.  
Idina takes a deep breath breath. "Those are my...words." She folds her arms around herself, hatred for herself coarsing through her. She hates seeing him so distressed, and maybe even more so being the cause of his distress.  
"About...?" James throat closes off the end of his sentence and Idina nods. She gasps shakily as if no matter how hard she tries she cannot breathe properly.  
"Yes. Words about me, words I use to describe myself, what I've done." Frick, Idina, get it together. She mentally berates herself as she struggles to breathe.  
"Red because...?" James doesn't want to think about it but at the same time desires to know the full truth.  
"It was the better option." Idina's vague answer is met with a confused look from James. Unable to bring herself to explain verbally, she takes a chance and walks to the bookcase. The extends a shaky hand to retrieve the chronological first notebook on the shelf. She hands it to James and he opens it. The pages are filled with many of the same words he read not fifteen minutes ago, but in a different red. What she said makes sense. However horrible to see the words in bright red ink was nothing compared to seeing the same in dried, dark red. Blood. Idina's blood. Tears flood his eyes as he tries to comprehend the pain she went through, the pain she suffered alone. He looks up to see Idina struggling to hold back her own tears, blinking quickly and standing strong. No. She won't have to be another person's source of strength when many of them have been the same ones causing her pain. He returns the notebook to its proper place and gently takes Idina's hand, guiding her to the couch. He sits and pulls her onto his lap.  
"It's okay, baby. You don't have to be strong for me. Let me be strong for you."


	35. Out

A rock, a stronghold. Idina clings to James, sobbing for what was lost and now what has been placed before her. All she wanted was for someone to care. But now, after learning so much, letting someone care feels...vulnerable. Open. Naked. She equally wants to cling tighter, sob harder, tell him everything, or at the same time pull back, lead him out the door, never let him back in. Not into her apartment, nor into her heart. There's still so much he doesn't know. Should she shut him out now? Or let him in and watch him run?  
Her tears abruptly stop as she hears James sniff. No. She will not cause him anymore pain. She flies off his lap, strong once more. Every fibre of her being is alert, on edge.  
"I'm sorry. I'm okay. You should go now." Idina's breath quickens as she fights to remain calm. James sits confused, blinking back his own tears.  
"What? No. Idina, please don't do this. It's okay." His words are cut short as he reaches to touch her elbow and she grabs his hand, pulling him to his feet and quickly propelling him out the door. Just before she shuts the door her eyes seem to fall open for a minute, broken sadness and gratitude shining past the panic.  
"Thank you, for everything." And the door shuts.  
You idiot. Why can't you do anything but hurt everyone around you? Every single person who tries to help you and love you. You worthless, pathetic excuse for a human being. Why are you even still here? Idina fights off the same urge she's felt nearly everyday for years on end. She spins, grasping her hair at its roots as she tries to breathe. Calm down. Rehersal today. Focus. Come on. She remembers her car is still at the theatre. Oh well. It's not too far to walk and the fresh air and the exercise will do her good. At least she stopped crying, thank goodness. Not that she still isn't so broken inside. But the outside reminders are always painful, humiliating, shameful. She has plenty of those already. She bundles up in her winter coat and prepares to leave the apartment. Wait. Idina returns to the kitchen and makes another cup of coffee. Comfort in hand, she steps out of the apartment building and into the cold. How fitting, that the outside should feel the same she does inside.


	36. Without

You learn to take your coffee black, you learn to drink your whiskey neat. You learn to take a shower cold, and sleep on tired feet...Idina's mind wanders to the concern evident in James' eyes throughout today's rehearsal, especially when he looks at her. Living without something, or someone, rather, isn't a foreign concept to Idina. Often it feels more foreign for someone to actually stick around, and for her to actually let me them. Today she sings the song in mourning, all of the people she lost, the ones who left, the ones she pushed away. James. Her heart and mind battle whether to let him stay or push him away. No. Better to let him go than to later watch him run, taking more of her with him. She agonizes if she's made the right decision. Something inside her dies a bit every time she pushes him farther away inside. She vows no more crying on his shoulder, no more sharing her secrets. No more. Her heart aches. No more. Her throat clogs. Tears stream down her face as she pours all out of herself . You learn to live and die and then to live. You learn to live without. You learn to live without. Learn to live without anyone, she tells herself as she pauses before the resolution. You learn to live without. She forces her eyes to dry as she covers up her brokenness with strength. She rushes off backstage to prepare to reenters for the next scene.  
"Holy frick, Idina. I think that's the best you've ever sang that song!" Idina throws Jenn a small smile and hopes its believable enough as she slips into the other wing and projects confidence entering back on stage. No wonder people think I'm such a good actress, Idina thinks cynically. It's because I get so much practice off stage. What a filthy hypocrite. She finishes the rehersal with the same passion and drive as always, disappearing into her head before the last chord is even released. Her head hangs as she walks back to her dressing room. James calls her name, voice full of confusion and longing and concern, but she pretends not to hear. She'll learn to live without.


	37. Flash

Yes. No. Don't do it. Why not? A week and a half after her stay with James. Idina leans her head back against the door frame, fingering the cold, sharp friend. The clock blinks neon green numbers. 2:04am. Since that day, that night, letting him into her heart and her mind, just however briefly, her total hours of sleep is a whopping seventeen and a half hours. All she desires is a brief release from the turmoil and agony inside of her. Pain. Delicious pain. How she used to fall asleep for so many nights. There's no reason it shouldn't work again. No reasons remain not to. Her hand clinches around her confidant. A flash of silver and the release of red, again and again, deeper and deeper. She pauses and breathes, studying her handiwork. One line, deep from repetition. She turns off the closet light and crawls into bed, quickly falling into a restless sleep. Silent, sleeping tears stream down her face as the white pillowcase becomes colored with red.


	38. Cover

Feeling more rested and relaxed than she has in days, Idina breathes again before flashing a smile at James. A week and a half and he seems to have finally calmed down. The tensions on stage have eased, granted Idina remembers to cover up the growing bags under her eyes. And today to cover up her arm. Last night is her secret, her very own, a little bit of herself back after sharing so much. Their song is nearly over and then she can return to her long sleeves. Just a few more lines. She takes a deep breath, grateful to finally be able to breathe again. "So here I go!" She throws her arms back with the climax of the song. Frick. The tautness of the skin on her upper arm, the widening of James' eyes, Idina knows her secret is out. Her throat tightens and she forces herself to remember how to sing properly. Shoot. Oh shoot. Idina almost laughs, just another thing she's screwed up for herself. Oh well. She'll get through it like she always does. What's a few more hedged answers? She's already well practiced in the task. Guilt flits into her mind before she reminds herself that this is for the best. She numbs herself to the emotion, pushing it away to the dark depths of her mind. Another fake smile at the curtain call, just as all her smiles seem to be anymore. She hears James calling after her as she returns to her dressing room. No. She refuses to need anyone anymore. Without. That's the word of the day. Pfft. Word of her life. Without.


	39. Trouble

Idina sits in the doorway of her closet, arm propped on her leg with her knife in the other hand. One more time won't hurt. Just as she raises the silver blade, the phone buzzes. And buzzes. Idina sighs and sets down the knife, both hating and grateful for the disruption. She retrieves her phone from the side table to see multiple texts and a missed call awaiting her. All from James. Why?  
Hey Idina are you okay?  
I miss you. Is everything alright?  
Idina?  
*missed call*  
I'm worried about you honey. I'll be there soon.  
The doorbell ring and Idina jumps. She looks down at her skimpy clothing, hanging too loose on her thin frame. The doorbell rings again as she scrambles to cover up. A long black skirt and a black turtleneck. How fitting. She grabbed what's comfortable and ended up looking like a witch. Just as the doorbell rings a third time, she opens the door a crack.  
"Idina? Are you okay?" Relief washes over James at finding Idina alive and well, more or less.  
"I'm fine. Why are you here?" Her words carry a fine bite to try and cover up worlds of weary hurt and soul deep pain.  
"I missed you. And I'm worried about you. Are you in trouble?" Idina refuses to accept his concern. The last thing she wants to do is hurt him again. She's already done that enough.  
"You're trouble. Get out." A quote from one of her favorite books. Initially appropriate but horrid once she remembers where the story goes. She tries to slam the door but James' foot prevents the door from shutting all the way. She whirls around and strides away from the door, annoyed at him for caring but mainly furious at herself.  
"Honey...what happened? You look..."  
"Like a witch. I know. It fits, okay?"  
"No, honey. That's not what I was going to say."  
"Well then what were you going to say?" Feet shoulder width apart and arms folded across her narrow body, Idina's stance and fiery eyes nearly hide the raw pain and brokenness so apparent not fifteen minutes prior.  
"You look like you could use a hug." James tries to convey as much as he can in one simple sentence. His heart aches for Idina. Dark circles under her eyes, slightly crossed the way they always are when her head feels like it's about to explode. Her arms shift to be hugging herself, balancing one foot on top of the other. Little things, simple things. But to James she goes from a tower of strength and fiery anger to defenseless child. Idina shifts from foot to foot, desperately wanting a hug but just as much needing not to be touched. He steps closer and moves to wrap his arms around her. She jumps back.  
"I'm sorry. No. Please. Don't touch me." Idina's voice breaks from fiery anger to broken innocence. James steps back and contends his arms with wrapping them around himself, though they ache for her.


	40. In

"Honey, what happened?" James leans forward to rest his elbows on his knees as he stares intently at Idina. After calming down and making them both coffee, Idina suggested a seat in the living room. Her legs are pulled up into her chest, her hands wrapping around the coffee mug as if it's her last remaining tie to sanity.  
"A lot. Not much." She refuses to make eye contact or answer in more than a few vague words. James wishes she would open up without it being like pulling teeth, but mainly he wishes he knew what had changed, what had caused such damage to such a beautiful spirit. But the damage was already there. Simply resurfacing and increasing.  
"Idina...szívem...it's going to be okay. I promise. No matter what happens, I won't leave you. Please let me help you." Desperation creeps into James' voice. He wouldn't be able to live with himself if he let her go.  
"James, I appreciate the offer, but please don't make promises you can't keep. You say you won't leave, but human nature is not to do things that hurt us. I've hurt you. Therefore you must go. I won't hurt you anymore. I'm so sorry." Idina's factual, emotionless manner breaks in the last sentence. No matter how many times an apology crosses her lips, she never fails to let you know when she truly means it. She speaks through her eyes. James wants to heal those eyes, take away the pain and shame and weariness and hatred they so often reflect and someday fill them with total and complete joy. To see Idina smile and it reach her eyes.  
"Baby, listen to me. You didn't hurt me. When I cried and you thought I was hurt, I wasn't. I wasn't crying for me, I was crying for you. It kills me to think that so often we let you slip by, suffering this world alone. Honey, I've been there. I've tried to do it alone. I have my own scars, on the inside. One thing I've learned is that I'll never understand this world. I'll never understand why people die, why people leave. I'll never understand why humans treat each other in such a despicable manner as they often do. I'll never understand why this world would take the most incredible woman I know and turn her so fiercely against herself. So when I say I'll never leave you, I mean it. Because while maybe it does hurt, slightly, and only for a short while, I know that it's one thing that's right in this world. I want to see you smile again, Dee. I promise you, we'll get there. Just let me in."


	41. Explode

"Are there any blankets around here?" James breaks the akward silence and draws Idina from her pensive thoughts.  
"What? Oh. Yes. Top shelf of my closet. Would you like some coffee?" Idina twists her fingers, wrestling with the thoughts tumbling around her head. James accepts the offer, knowing she needs something to keep her busy. Idina trips over herself on the way to the kitchen, too lost in her head to feel James' following eyes. His brows furrow in concern. Did she trip over herself like the clutzy, fun loving Idina always did, or did her legs give out? She disappears through the doorway and he returns to his search for a blanket for each of them. He finds far more than he intended to. Nearly stepping on Idina's interrupted secrets, he stops dead in his track, blankets long forgotten. He picks up the knife and heads for the kitchen.  
Idina reminds herself to breathe properly as she hears James' footsteps on the hard tile kitchen floor. "Did you find the blankets you wanted?" She asks without turning to face him, knowing her pale complexion and irregular breaths would give her dead away.  
"Not exactly." Idina stiffens and turns at the tone in his voice. "Dee, why was this laying on the floor of your closet?" He holds up the knife and Idina's face hardens.  
"You know what, James? Fuck you! I told you not to come! I told you I'm fine! Why can't you just leave me alone? We're both going to end up hurt if this continues and maybe one of us will be broken beyond repair! You say you don't want that to happen to me, but I sure as hell couldn't live with myself if it was you. That kind of pain fucking hurts. And sometimes you never heal! Don't you dare make me promises you can't keep, because I've heard them all before, not a single one of them kept. Don't you think maybe there's a reason I don't share my inner self with many people? Don't you think there's a reason I choose to be alone instead of socializing? How do you fucking think someone gets scars like mine? And they're not beautiful like you say I am. They're ugly, horrid, shameful. I should be ashamed of them, of me. Sure, you can say you love my however many times as you want, but I've heard those words before, and what happens when your actions no longer match your words? When your love becomes a pity-driven tolerance, used only to better yourself in the public eye while breaking me even further? What happens when you take away my safe haven, my comfort? Then where will I find who I am? Do you have any idea how hard it is to find yourself, to find stability and assurance when every time you find it there's someone claiming to love you pushing you right back to where you came from and you have to find it all over again? What happens when love becomes nothing more than a word, and not even a pleasant one at that? What happens when love becomes equated with intolerable pain and brokenness, never joy and comfort and safety? What then, James? What now?" Idina's rant wears down and she looks at the ground, arms finally still at her sides. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to yell at you."  
"No, honey. I'm so glad you did." Idina's head jerks up in confusion and she sees the pride, joy, and love shining from James' eyes.


	42. Lived

"What?" She just chewed him out for something he didn't even do. Why is he so happy? Why is he still here?  
"Honey, you yelled. You stood up for yourself. You didn't back down. I'm so proud of you baby." He doesn't mention what else he's overjoyed at. James knows Idina wouldn't take kindly to knowing how much of herself she showed him, how much more he understands her now. At least not in this moment. Maybe in time to come, but the time will present itself when and if it arrives.  
"I...what? I did? Oh my gosh. I did!" Idina runs and wraps her arms around James' neck, a strange rush of confidence filling her being. "I'm so sorry though. I hope you understand none of that was directed towards you." Idina leans back and fixes James's shirt collar, for the first time that evening taking in his appearance. "You look so nice."  
"I don't hold a candle to you, Dee." Idina blushes and looks down at her hands.  
"I still don't believe you, but maybe someday." She raises her head and straightens her back, calmly meeting James gaze with more confidence than he's seen in...well, ever. "Someday I will believe you. I want to. I want to promise you, but I don't want to end up breaking my promise. I couldn't hurt you like that. Knowingly at least."  
"I know, hon. And you will. Someday you'll see how incredible you are." James smiles at Idina and she returns a small smile. Idina looks around the kitchen, searching for something to fill the akward silence.  
"I wish I had something to offer you to eat, but it's pretty much coffee and other bits here and there." Idina turns back to face James, her eyes squinting at the mischievously thrilled look on his face.  
"Well, I was hoping you'd let me take you out somewhere. It's the middle of the night, so not many other people will be anywhere. It could still be an adventure though. I'll keep you safe. What do you say?" Idina pretends to think about it as a mischievous glint of adventure sneaks back into her eyes after months of absence.  
"I suppose I could be persuaded. Where to?" Idina doesn't really care where they go, as long as she can treasure this brief moment of hope and safety. Who knows how long it will last, or when she'll get another chance? Some may say things are different from normal, but who defines what normal is? Life isn't perfect, but life wasn't made to be perfect. It was made to be lived.


End file.
